One of my hobbies is reading religious texts. A Bible, Book of Mormon, Qu’ran, Tao Te Ching, Bhagavad-Gita and excerpts from the Talmud share space on my book shelf.

I find them interesting (except the genealogies, hate genealogies) and think it helps me to understand people’s background better.

More than anything else, it provides me with little tidbits of knowledge that I can use at inappropriate times. My personal favorite is the Tao Te Ching because it’s short, eschews unnecessary exposition and nobody at Willoughby Brewing Company is familiar enough with it to call me on a misquote.

And it doesn’t take years of study or a minor in Eastern religions to sprinkle your bar talk with ancient wisdom. No, all you need is this blog.

For example, ladies, if some attractive man lays on the flattery and tries to get your number, tell him, “Sincere words are not beautiful. Beautiful words are not sincere.” Then, suggest he buy you a drink.

(This also works if the guy is hunchbacked with a lazy eye but it might be misconstrued as flirting.)

Contrarily, if your friend is hammered and needs to sober up, say, “Nothing under heaven is softer or weaker than water, and yet nothing is better.” Then, swap his Gin & Tonic with tap water. If you wedge a lime on the end of the glass, he may not notice the switch.

If your drunk friend doesn’t know how to get home, tell him, “Undertake difficult tasks by approaching what is easy in them. Do great deeds by focusing on their minute aspects.” Then, take his freakin’ keys and call him a cab.

Finally, if some full-time jerk/part-time bodybuilder picks a fight with you, say, “Act through nonaction. Handle affairs through noninterference. Taste what has no taste.”

Then, while Enormo is trying to understand the rhetoric, pay your tab and get out of there.

-Jason Lea, JLea@News-Herald.com