As should be expected, someone had my brilliant idea for me.

Perseus Books Group used the BookExpo America annual event to do something inspired. It collected fake openings to classic books and compiled them in Book: The Sequel.

Anyone could submit. Editor Clive Priddle collected some of the best for his book.

Book: The Sequel was originally available at BookExpo America — a big trade show for the publishing industry, May 25-27 in NYC — but it can still be purchased online.

Some of my favorites:

Gregor Samsa awoke one morning to find his chronic metamorphosisitis had worsened, transforming him from a giant cockroach into an HMO executive.
-The Metamorphosis II: Another Step Down

The president was pleased with his new education bill, in which students with good grades would be swept to Heaven in the Rapture, while poor performers would be kept back to repeat a grade and suffer eternal damnation.
-No Child Left Behind (sequel to Left Behind)

My Spring Break? I don’t want to talk about it.
-Lord of the Flies 2: Ralph’s Choice

“When the revolution comes, you’ll be the first against a wall covered with candy-flavored wallpaper!” the head Oompa-Loompa cried. His followers readied themselves for the song-and-dance sequence.
-Charlie and the Class War

In a large cocktail shaker, mix: 3 parts premium tequila; 1 part Italian grapefruit soda; 1 fresh squeezed lime. Shake well, pour contents over ice into rocks glass.
-Tequila Mockingbird

The sun rose hot and dry over the Lennie Small Memorial Petting Zoo where grimy-faced children lined up to touch the rabbits.
—Of Man and Mouse

-Jason Lea, JLea@News-Herald.com